Shamelessly Promiscuous Keto

My weaknesses have always been food and men – Dolly Parton


photo: Casey Lee

Well said, Dolly; well said.

Times, they are changing, and quickly. The national obsession over what we eat, how we eat it, what exercises we do, how often we do it, and our feelings about our weight, come into our daily conversations more than ever before.

I must admit—I was lucky. I had a secret weapon to exploit, which I did, to it’s fullest measure: when I got stressed, I lost weight, not gained it. I’m not going to lie—it was The. Best. Thing. Ever.

A little stress would see my calories bump up from about 1,500 a day to 2,000 and more, and it’d be the worst things ever: fried chicken, buttery salty popcorn, 99 bottles of beer from my fridge, and full pizzas ALL TO MYSELF. And I could rest comfortably in the knowledge that my body was going to look the other way and compress that, and move on.

And then, when my most stressful life event ever came up (did you notice I haven’t blogged in a while?), my tried and true method for weight loss/maintenance abandoned me. AND at a time where I kind of wanted to be sexy, too. Damn!

‘But Angela,’ you ask, ‘what does this have to do with food and sex? We came here for the good stuff!’

Let me tell you, my Little CrumbCake!

In an effort to lose the weight karma decided I deserved to finally pile on, I’ve gone to the Keto Diet, and it’s most major impact has been earth-shattering news!!

The Food-To-Sex-Ratio has changed y’all! It’s changed in a big BIG BIG way, and because I love ya, I thought you deserved to hear it from a friend and ally.

No longer are buckets of oily cheese, glistening fried chicken, and enticingly positioned French fries objects that score high on the Ratio sheet. They’re carbs. And not just any carbs; they’re trans-fatted, hella-high-calorie carbs, which does not meet our criteria of having the self-satisfaction to perform the duties of the Food-To-Sex-Ratio.

I’ve done a little research for you (and me!), and I’m happy to report that wine IS keto-friendly, as long as it’s dry. So are most hard liquors—just be careful of added sugars. Here’s a friendly chart.

photo: Stephan Johnson

Anyway, where has the food preference gone? To protein, my SteakNugglet; to protein. As a person who has always valued a plant-based lifestyle, the influx of animal protein has been hard to process mentally, but I’ll admit: my body likes it. I’ve only been on the diet for two weeks, ten days of which I’ve pretty much given it The Finger, and I’m still losing weight, without the aid of exercise, and without the deprivation of wine.

I hear someone out in the crowd reminding me that Keto is also supposed to be a high-fat diet. To which, a lot of Keto experts agree. However, a really hot, fit Keto YouTuber suggested that that fat can come from your body, and that it’s better to focus on protein. I’m going with that, and as I’ve said, I’ve barely been doing it, and the weight is coming off.

So, how are food and sex related?

For one thing, as you get older, things change, and not always in ways you would expect. What used to work for your body in your 20s, 30s, and so on, WILL need modification. Doesn’t mean you’re not sexy; just that you’re different.

Secondly, a bit of experimentation might be necessary to find out more about yourself and what resonates with the new ‘you’. I see you nodding. There’s no need for me to get too specific here.

Thirdly, that thing (person) that used to get you so turned on just might give you heartburn now. Literally and figuratively. This is good. Let the Universe’s warning be respected and move on.

Lastly (for my extended metaphor anyway), you need to be freed of the notion that the way you’ve always done it is the way that it should be. I’m raising my eyebrow, and you’re getting my hint, right? Branch out. See what happens.

I’m sure you can think of more things, and so can I, but I have things to do today… if sex motivates you to do things, let it motivate you to try this, and see if you don’t get a double-dose of the good stuff in your life.

As a practical matter for the recipes on, I’m going to be sharing a lot of Keto-friendly recipes. I don’t like the idea of forcing too much meat through my colon, and I’ve quickly learned that all that meat is the lazy-person’s way to do Keto. Not lazy, as in they don’t want to try; but lazy as in they’re unwilling to stretch themselves. That’s not me; not here.

As usual, I’ll share what to have, how to make it, and for the love of whiskey, what to drink with it, so help me Smirnoff.

Got a suggestion? Drop it in the comments below, I’d love to hear it!

Otherwise, stay tuned. I’m turning this ship around and taking you with me!



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